Broken but BEAUTIFUL

'Broken But Beautiful' phrase has been placed on my heart for many years. If someone asked me what motto I live by - I would have to say it is "Broken But Beautiful". Now if I am completely honest more days than not, I would say yes I am very much a broken human being, but I'm not so sure about the the beautiful portion of it. Usually that is the last thing I see when I look at myself or think about myself. Luckily, I have been blessed with amazing friends who remind me who I am in Christ.

Why have I taken this phrase that God placed on my heart years ago as my motto for life today?
Let me give you a peek into the part of my life I usually like to keep hidden from the world....

Broken But Beautiful. -- God gave me this phrase a few years ago in a hotel room in Kearney, NE during an overnight business trip meeting. That same night, I began to write out my story, but after a few minutes I shut it down and pushed the entire idea aside. Over the past few years, God had a few more lessons in store me before the world would see/read this story. Only a select few people know the majority of the details of my story. I know that God can and will use my brokenness to bring someone - maybe you - out of their own brokenness to see the beauty in themself. 

To begin properly - I need to take you back to my childhood. I grew up in the country on a dairy farm owned by my grandparents. I loved every minute of it and in my eyes had the best childhood a kid could ask for. I grew up with 3 younger brothers and was the biggest 'tomboy' in the neighborhood. If given the choice of being in the house with my mother or outside with my dad & brothers and the animals and tractors, I would choose being outside 9 times out of 10. Life was great until that summer - the summer that changed everything. The summer that ended my childhood as I would know it. 

That summer, I was around 11/12 years old. I don't remember exactly and through studying childhood trauma it was probably my mind's defense mechanism during that time to try and protect me. Although I don't remember my age, today I can remember the sounds, the smells, the words spoken, and most of the details that happened over the course of that summer. That summer I was sexually abused. That summer was over 17 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. My body still trembles when I think about it or speak about it, but each time there is less trembling and anxiety from the thoughts and memories. That summer as a preteen, I became broken and shattered and have fought an uphill battle since then with my mind, my emotions, my relationships, with every aspect of my life to put the shattered pieces back together again. That summer changed me in more ways than one....

I held onto that secret for years and began to think that type of relationship with the opposite sex was normal. This translated into other friendships/relationships that I had with boys my age. Today when I look back at that time in my life, I wish I could go back to make different choices and have a different past today. But I also know that it has shaped me into the person that I am today.
I held onto this secret until my senior year of high school. While attending 3DYC with my youth group, one of the speakers spoke on the topic of forgiveness and I can't tell you today what all he said but the memories of 'that summer' came flooding back. The memories flashed back in my mind like a movie scene and I remember God clearly telling me that I need to forgive the man who hurt me. I remember responding to the speaker's call of forgiveness but what happened next was not me at all. The Holy Spirit - which  I didn't understand at the time - took over. At the end of the sessions, my youth pastor - Derry Prenkert - had set aside time of sharing of what God had spoke to us that night. And out of nowhere, I stood up and said that God told me to forgive the man that had sexually abused me. While my mouth was moving, my brain was desperately trying to tell my feet to run, but they seemed to be anchored in cement.
That was the first time anyone had known about my secret. That was first step to my long road of healing which I am still walking on today. People that needed to be contacted were contacted against my personal desires.
To this day I thank God for Derry & Janelle Prenkert. They created a safe environment for me to allow God to begin healing me. Although you both may never see this post, thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!

From that moment forward, God placed people and situations in my life to help continuing healing and growing from the place of brokenness. I had out of state family members who allowed me to escape to their homes. I had parents who cried with me and prayed for me during this time. Most importantly to me, I had a God promised me he would never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

People have and do question me, how can you say that God never left you when you were abused. There was a time when I would have agreed with that statement. But then I always like to share this story: After graduation, I went to a Discipleship Missionary Training school in Mexico with Dayspring Ministries for 8 months. At this school, there was an orange grove on the property and one night after a service, I was wrestling with God about 'that summer' why it happened to me. What had I done that I deserved this? Now because of 'that summer' I didn't know how to trust men. Because of 'that summer' I would never find a man who would love me because I was trash and who would ever want trash. My biggest complaint/argument/question was - Why God, Why didn't you stop it and why did you leave me all alone 'that summer'. Here I was in an orange grove at night yelling at God. This wasn't a speak quietly in a hushed voice prayer, I was out loud, verbally yelling at God. If you would have heard me that night, you would have thought I was crazy. But this is one reason I love God so much. He allowed me to 'get it all off my chest' and waited till I quieted my spirit enough to hear him - and He began to speak. It may not have been, but in that moment to God audibly began to speak to me with the most loving and tender voice I had ever heard. "Monica. I was there. I was there holding you. I was there crying with you. I never left you alone. Because of freewill and people having a choice I couldn't do anything." My conversation continued on for sometime. Most importantly my God held me while I cried in that orange grove. That night for the first time, I began to allow Him (God) to mend my brokenness back together into the beautiful masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10) that I had begun to think was destroyed and no longer worth anything. While in Mexico, God showed me many things about 'that summer' and about my future that today I have the ability to confidently say - Yes, I am broken, but I'm beautiful and treasured beyond my imagination and comprehension.

So why did I share this? For sympathy or pity? No not at all. As I mentioned earlier, do I wish I could change the past - Of Course! Am I glad this happened? Of Course Not! But I can say 'that summer' and the summers that followed molded me into the person who I am today.
So why did I share? Put simply, God asked me to and if I can inspire one person to begin to see their own beauty from their brokenness and that God isn't finished with them yet - then my pain and hurt was worth it for that one person. I have had my share of struggles through the past 17 years from the aftermath of 'that summer' and I have succumbed to many of them multiple times. Each time, I have made a conscious decision to pick myself up again and run back to a Father's arms who has never left me or forsaken in my 29 years - especially the last 17 since 'that summer' and I know that in the next 17 years God will be walking with me side by side in whatever may come.

Find your beauty! Find the masterpiece that God is creating in your life. Most of all, find God waiting in the midst of your broken and shattered life ready and willing to bring healing in your life - no matter the situation that caused you to become shattered and broken. God is waiting for you and God loves you right in the midst of your broken, shattered, and messy life. He found me and brought me out of my brokenness and showed me the beauty that I have in him.

Broken But BEAUTIFUL

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