Holes in my Jeans and Heart

I don't usually spend money on clothing that have holes in them - but a few years ago I did what I said I said I would never do. Buy jeans - capris with holes in them. In my mind I can put my own holes in the jeans and not spend the extra money to have someone else put them there. Tonight as I went out with some friends for a birthday party. I began to see how closely my mindset of torn jeans was to my own life and how many holes I or even others have put in my life/heart. 

Lately my heart has been torn in more pieces than I know what to do with. Edges have been frayed and holes have been created. Some of my own doing, while others have been created by those around me and just life in general. Most times, holes and frayed edges mean something has been worn out. 

For myself, once things have holes, they are no longer made for public sight. That item, whether clothing or something else, is to be used in private where those around me wont ever have a chance to see them. Unless one has paid money for it originally, then it is considered fashionable or lit (as my youth kids would say) to be seen in outside the privacy of my own 4 walls that I call home. So what is the point of my rambling tonight? 

I am an utterly broken person who hides behind the 4 secure walls that I have created for myself. Any tear or frayed edged of my heart/life, I keep to myself. I allow only a select few (and I mean few) people know that real reasons for the tears and frays in my life. One to many hurts, self inflicted and from others, has cause me to retreat to my inner self for protection. 

But what kind of protection does that really bring? Or does it bring anything at all? And if we are completely honest with ourselves - with myself - it brings very little protection. In reality, I believe, it causes the hole to become larger and to the point of seemingly no repair. If withdrawing causes self-harm, then what is the answer? How does one deal with the torn pieces and frayed edges? 

With clothing, you find a patch. You find something to cover the hole, to keep it from spreading farther. You mend it. If you are anything like me, I don't own a sewing machine - much less anything that would be needed to fix something that is clothing. So when I do have something that needs to be mended - I have no choice but to reach out to a friend - (who may or may not laugh at me for being 28 years old and not owning any thing resembling a sewing machine or thread and a needle) - for HELP in the mending process. And so it is with a torn or frayed heart ---  I need HELP from those who I trust with the inner most holes of my life. I need friends who no matter the situation sit and cry with me, who pray with and for me, who love me no matter the size of the hole in my life/heart.

When I retreat into my 4 walls and let no one - not even the mice - enter in, I find that I normally don't have the tools or ability to mend myself. Oh but I can fake a "Everything is all rainbows and butterflies" life and most people will buy what I am selling. All except the few who look at me and say "Stop lying and tell me what is really happening" (You know who you are in my life and thank you for never buying what I try to sell!) Just as I need those who actually own needles and thread, I also need those who can help heal and mend me emotionally. And so do you - so do all of us.We all need people who will speak into our lives no matter how much we try to tell them we are okay or something said doesn't bother us. We need community. We need relationships. We were made for relationship and the number one relationship with all long for (whether you believe it or not) is with our creator - Jesus Christ! We are all in need of a Savior and until the day we decide to acknowledge this, we will continue searching for something to fulfill us but never permanently mend those frayed edges and holes in our lives.

Don't ever be ashamed of the holes or the patches in your life. They mean that you are human and your have a story to tell. You never know when you will meet someone who has the "same" hole in their life and are looking for answers. Be the answer to someones frayed edge or tear in their heart. Here is to stepping out of my protection - my 4 walls and finding HELP/MENDING for my torn and broken life. Another patch to my broken heart. 

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:28-30